Another day, another beautiful day. I had to take a photo of this majestic view. It looks like God himself has so delicately painted on the clouds in the sky.
Today’s pondering comes in the form of a question, “what is God’s Will for my life?” Do you ever wonder this?
What is your purpose in life? Why do the things that happen, happen?
I sometimes think of the day when we left Zimbabwe. With just suitcases – and some furniture to arrive later. My chest tightens in this thought. Saying goodbye to family and friends, some of whom, most of whom I’ve not seen for the last 15 years. And will I ever see them again? I don’t know.
Often I think of the two babies that we won’t meet due to miscarriage. And I ache. So much. For all the memories that I won’t get to make. For all the cuddles I won’t get. For all the little fingers and toes that I’ll never get to see. For the milestones I’ll never experience. And I ache. What colour would their eyes be? Would they like to dance? Or play in the mud? So much ache. Although my first miscarriage happened in 2014 and the second in 2015, I still mourn every year. I don’t think I’ll ever stop.
This song sums up my emotions on these events:
I don’t understand the why’s. But God tells us in Isaiah 55:8-9:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
Having the distance of nearly 4 years since our first miscarriage happened and 15 years since I moved with my family to another country, I have started to heal. God has a purpose for my life. One that I don’t understand but one that I can try to get the best out of by finding and following His will.
And I can start to think that there is a plan for my life, my very unique life. It involves heartbreak. Tremendous heartbreak. But also unimaginable joy. And having come out from these experiences (I could never read this with an open heart even a few years ago), I can start seeing the joy in life again.
This morning I read the following passage:
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
If we hadn’t left Zimbabwe, quite possibly I would never have gone to university. I would never have met my husband and I wouldn’t have my most precious little ones that I have. For these three people in my life, I would give anything.
My heart has been broken through losing two other precious little ones. So I treasure the children that I have. With every breath. Because the way that God has painted the sky with the clouds is the same brush that he used in making my life, my children’s lives. And for this I rejoice! And I give thanks for them every day.
The path that I’ve chosen is not an easy one to walk. There are so many questions along the way but I’m convinced that it is the right path!